You first, then the holidays

75% of women said that money is their biggest source of stress.

For many women, there is the expectation of hosting meals and parties. This is not only extremely costly but can be emotionally taxing too. This is over and above the many interconnected societal, cultural, religious and familial expectations. It can feel like the pressure is coming at you from all sides. But yet you’re expected to remain resilient.  

90% of women say people assume they can handle everything because they’re resilient. 

Now, after 11 months of resilience, the expectations only ramp up. It can be seen as sheer madness! But what if there were ways to decrease the pressure and turn down the volume on your inner critic? Doesn’t that sound slightly less mad?  

68% of women admit to judging themselves more harshly than others do.  

If the above is the case for you, then wouldn’t it be nice to allow that judgement to soften. To question all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ that contribute to so much of our suffering and stress. To put healthy boundaries in place, as best we can, and protect our precious strength and energy. If the word ‘boundaries’ feels like a buzz word you can’t quite get a handle on, her are five practical ways to get started.  

We are often told to just say ‘No’. That might work for some people, but for many of us, it’s more complicated. If there are certain obligations you can’t get out of, like hosting the extended family for Christmas, find ways to reduce the pressure on you. Can each guest bring one course of the meal? Can someone provide the décor? Can some people arrive early to help set up or watch the kids? This way, you’re still the host but with much less responsibility.  

If you’ve heard of Mel Robbins, you’ll know she is a #1 New York Times bestselling author, award-winning podcast host, and a leading expert in personal growth. Among her best-sellers is The Let Them Theory, in which she talks about the power of letting people do them, so that you can do you. If we use the example above, of the Christmas lunch, if you were to ask people to help, and they seem annoyed or put out – let them – and let you continue with your part of the plans, as best you can.  

If you’re triggered by picture-perfect tables matched with picture-perfect families, wearing matching outfits (*cringe*) while you’re rushing around looking for matching cutlery, while the kids turn the house upside down, you’re not alone. That’s the reality for many women. If paper plates, mis-matched cutlery and take-aways is what you can achieve with the time, money and energy you have, guess what? It’s good enough. In fact, we’ll digress slightly to introduce moms to the concept of the “good enough mother.” Coined by   

psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott, the basic principles (although developed around moms) can apply to all women.  

“Your goal is not to be perfect or superhuman. You’re just aiming to be good enough. And while it sounds like a bit of a downgrade, it’s not. It’s just a simple act of resistance against the pressure to do it all, all the time.”

Have a frank and honest discussion with your family about what they can expect, over the holiday season, from entertainment and outings, to holidays and gifts. Give yourself the breathing room you need too.  

43% of women strongly agreed with the statement: “I rarely get uninterrupted time for myself.”

You also need time out, time by yourself and time to relax. Even if it’s 15 minutes to drink a hot cup of coffee in the morning, to take a 20-minute walk by yourself, or have an afternoon nap.  

Whether you’re single, married, divorced, widowed, in a situationship, the list goes on and on. The point is that some of us have a spouse or partner to depend on, others depend on friends and family members, and for some it’s mixture of both. Whatever your support network looks like, lean on them. Let them take some of the pressure off you. This idea that we are somehow meant to handle everything on our own is outdated and ridiculous. Women in fact seem hardwired to support other women.  

97% of women show up for other women even when it’s difficult